Too Late for Chances by Moonfly

This story is part of the Make it Bitter or Make it Better Writing Challenge, where we invited writers to explore the storytelling possibilities of a simple situation. We gave authors free reign to interpret the prompt as they see fit, provided that they give their story a clear ending.

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Note: This story has not yet been proofread.

It was 2 am. After hours of scrolling through my phone in what seems like a deep vast ocean, I found myself staring at the blank page of my notebook, that is meant to be my science homework. Besides the fact that I’m getting a bit sleepy and struggling to get an answer out of my brain, I just couldn’t stop thinking about what Alyssa told me about my feelings over Trevor and about how it was bugging me these past few days.

“You should let it out of your chest.”

As I was listening to her, it feels like a heavy task not meant for someone like me. I cannot just confess myself to a guy like Trevor. He’s my best friend, and also maybe because I know it will just make a ridicule of me twice; either ruin our friendship, get laughed at (knowing him, I know he definitely will), or both if it is my lucky day. Besides, he has Denise now, who is a lovely girl I should say. I cannot just make a mess out of that just because I woke up one day and felt things.

“You write, right? Maybe writing would help. How about journaling? You don’t have to let anyone read it, if that concerns you of course.”

Of course I know that. I thought about journaling already, even wrote a lot of poetry too in fact. But I am also very forgetful and very unsure of myself or if I could really “write it out”.

Well, it wouldn’t really hurt to try this time. Maybe it could take my mind off this science essay. Or maybe it can also be a warmup to get my brain cells back to work. I picked up my pen and started letting it take the wheel.

“Trevor, I’m scared to say these words because I’m afraid that it will change everything, but I also feel that not saying anything is too much for me to carry inside. You’ve been my best friend since the beginning of time, and I cherish that more than anything in the world. I’ve been watching you from the sidelines for what feels like an eternity, admiring you for the kind heart you have, for the way you make me laugh, for the way you just understand me, but the truth is, my heart has changed for you a long time ago. I’m in love with you, Trevor, but I also know that you’re with someone else, and I’m not looking to ruin what you have with that person, nor am I looking to ruin our relationship, because you’re happy, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, but I just needed to tell you something for once, even if it means that we don’t talk for a while, because I just need to get it out in the open, and you don’t really need to do anything, just me getting something off my chest.”

With the newfound momentum, I turned on a new page and got started with the reflection essay.

It was the morning of the next day. Science homework was due in the afternoon. I was at my locker, preparing the books needed for English class and getting ready to start the day, with music blasting on my earphones. Then like clockwork, Trevor walks in my area and approaches me.

“Hey, can I borrow your science homework? I will just get an idea. I will not copy, I promise.” Yeah right.

If there’s one thing about Trevor, he couldn’t care less about science or making a reflection essay. If his campus badminton career didn’t require a maintaining grade, I doubt he’ll even try, or even be friends with me in that matter. Don’t get me wrong, he’s just as smart and very capable, but knowing him, he’s lazy with academics and prioritizes his sport. Especially this competition season, nothing else could get his attention. Also, I guess he’s more of a streetsmart guy, even if it means the smart move for him is connecting to such booksmart as me to catch up with his classes.

I know that it seems like it’s the ironic, stereotypical “campus athlete befriends the class nerd to save his grades” situation, but it’s not always the case. Ever since Mr. Hopps made us lab partners, we became really close, even beyond the academic realm. We had the same humor, taste in music and movies. We were best friends.  

Without any thought about it, I gave him my notebook as usual. “Thanks, will return this later” he said as he left my sight. Knowing him, of course he will copy my work. Maybe not word-for-word, but let’s just say he’ll never construct that essay if I didn’t.

He’s that one friend that never runs out of energy. I know cramming on an essay really gives him less time for the more hi-hellos, venting out, or anything beyond small talks, but it is always a delight having him around. Everything just feels easy and natural; like this friendship between us doesn’t seem forced despite us literally being the opposite sides of the coin.

He’s sweet, kind, and adorable. It also didn’t help that I always see how he treats his girlfriend Denise like his queen. She’s indeed a lucky girl. Would that be nice to have a Trevor in their lives? He is such a gentle guy with his friendships and relationships that I started to envy it. 

Maybe that is what I also liked about him most; the comfort. The way he makes me feel less anxious, really. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of guy friends too, but this connection between us is different, and it scares me sometimes. 

Then it dawned on me

Oh no...

I have written the letter on that page. I was meant to tear it out after but I’ve gotten too lazy and procrastinated somehow. Now I’m dreading if he will find that page. Of course he will. What will he think? He’ll probably avoid me after this.

English class has ended and it is time for lunch. I was at the cafeteria. Trevor walked in with my notebook in hand. I never knew I would be this nervous as he approaches me.

“Hey, here’s your notes. Thanks” I can feel the shift in his mood. He’s rather reserved and somewhat awkward compared to when he came by my locker area earlier this morning

Oh boy, this is not good. 

“Sure, no worries” I tried to lighten up despite my nerves taking over my body from this interaction, “Where will you and Denise be sitting?” I try to play it cool, though I really hope he didn’t see it. But, with that tone and look of being confused, weirded out, and cold, I’m 100% sure he did, and he may not like it. 

“Oh, that…” He sounds colder that it chills down my spine, “Den and I will be joining the team” 

“Of course.” I said as I tried to smile over the shame in my face. “See you next class.” 

He just smiled a little and left. What does it even mean? It feels like I’m talking to a stranger who doesn’t understand the language I’m speaking. We are usually very close and chaotic towards each other. But now it feels like we are a bunch of nothing, and for some reason it scares me.

After lunch, I was walking down the hallway where all of a sudden, I felt Trevor grabbing my hand, bringing me to an outdoor area.

“I’m sorry about earlier. But, about your… notes…” He sounds hesitant. “I’ve read them”

“I’m sorry, Trevor.” I am trying hard to compose myself. I simply just don’t have the right words to say. “Listen, I-”

“Why?” I just couldn’t believe that this is how it is ended up. He sounds so upset, and it scares me that I cannot do anything about it. “What is that for?. You know that it cannot be.”

“I know,” I said, “You shouldn’t have seen that. Listen, I was just about to tear it after writing it. You shouldn't have read it. It’s just something off my chest.”

“Then what? I live in the dark knowing that our friendship was never enough for you?”

“Because you don’t have to know,” I argued back. “It’s not that our friendship was never enough, it’s more than enough in fact. We can continue our lives without it. We can be friends, you can still be with Den, and you can let me be stuck in my bubble because you wouldn’t know a thing. It’s just a crush for heaven’s sake.” I lied, it’s more than that at this point.

“You know Andy, I don’t even know why I’m mad right now. This sucks.” He said “Why is that the initial reaction I have is to be angry at you. I understand it and I know you don’t mean anything bad, but…” 

He stopped and just stood there with a defeated sigh. “You know what, nevermind. You’re right. It’s nothing” He said as he leaves.

“Trevor, don’t leave me hanging now.” I said. “I know it’s my fault and I don't want you to sugarcoat it.” I caught his hand and he faces me back.

“I know you’ve read it all, and I have cleared things up. So what’s really the matter here? I always have been honest but all you do is push me away -”

“Because I like you” He exclaimed “Don’t you see it? I liked you too. Hell, even, I have fallen in love with you.” I was caught off-guard. Hearing this from him is something I didn’t expect. He’s in love with me, too? How could that be.

“It has been that way since that one class where Mr. Hopps made us lab partners last year, Andy. And it scares me. You were smart, nice, funny, cozy to be around, all of the things.” He added. “I want to protect you and be happy for you and make sure I am always here for you…”

“But-“ I tried to say another word, but nothing seemed to come out of my mouth.

“And I am so scared that I will never have a chance with you. All in my mind is that someone like you will never pay attention to someone like me. You were off to great things, Andy, and I am just… you know, me. I don’t want to stop you from achieving what you deserve when you deserve it.”

“And then, there’s Denise. She’s charming, and I fell head over heels off her. I thought that her coming along would take my mind off you, which I sort of did. But it turns out I am just fooling myself” He said “One is not a replacement for the other. You two are different and I love Denise differently as I love you. And that is the problem. I couldn’t just switch it up. I am so in love with Denise, in a way that doesn’t replace you, but rather just another thing that I want”

“So just be with her then and forget what you knew about us”

“You don’t understand, Andy! It’s easier said than done.” He exclaimed. “Even if I try, I wouldn’t get my mind off it, with the chance we couldn’t have. There will be tension between us, and I couldn’t bear to witness it.”

I nodded. I started tearing up. What hurts more isn’t just the fact that this is all upsetting for him. But rather also because he is right. I already created the strain in our connection, and nothing could ever undo that.

“I don’t want to lose you as a friend” Trevor said with his voice of defeat. “You’re the best friend anyone could ask for. But knowing what I know now, and with what I feel just makes it impossible for me to keep a straight face for you everyday and pretend everything is okay between you, me, and even with Denise.”

“I see,” I said quietly. I have nothing else to say.

“We talk, we hangout, we do things together. What does that make us?” “How can I make sure that it doesn’t mean anything else for you? For me? How can we make sure that we were just friends doing those? You see, this, whatever we have, just blurs the line that we shouldn’t have to cross.”

He left. We did not talk for the rest of the day, even after that.

Then the next day, the class goes on but all I hear were muffled echoes around me. The room feels awfully gray and quiet. Then like clockwork, I glimpsed at Trevor’s seat. He’s not there, surprisingly. There’s something wrong, and I couldn’t focus, at all.

During lunch time. Denise approached me at my seat. She looks gloomy as usual. Trevor is not around, and pretty sure that all of these traces back to me and it is all my fault.

“Hey Andy. Do you have a moment?”

“Oh hi, Denise! What’s up?” I exclaimed “Trevor’s not around today. Any idea how he is?”

“Well actually, Andy,” she said “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” She said, starting to sound more serious. “I know everything.”

“What do you mean?” I try to keep my composure, but now I am very terrified.

“I know everything between you and Trevor. He came clean to me last night. Then asked me to end things up.”

I couldn’t get any more confused. “What?”

“What else can I do, Andy?” Her voice starts to feel more defeated. “All I wanted was to respect his decisions. I tried to say no, but he insists that he wants to think through things. He was nothing but gentle about it.”

“I love him, Andy.” Hearing those words from Denise is quite obvious, but still feels sharp as she starts to sound more emotional. “But all I can see now is that he’ll be more miserable if he didn’t try to make it with you.” “It really hurts. He loved and respected me, and now all I want is for him to be happier, even if it looks like this.”

I have been left dumbfounded. Denise starts to cry as I try to comfort her. “It’s going to be fine, Denise. I’m so sorry. I have no idea.”

“Why does it have to happen?” She questioned. “I don’t even want to blame you, Andy. This is not your fault. All you did is have feelings and write on paper. I know you don’t want to break Trevor and I. It’s not like it is intentional, right? I just get why it has to end up like this. He’ll never want to blame you or for things to end up like this.”

I nodded. The thing is, I deserved to be blamed. I was reckless, foolish, and should’ve just been more careful in keeping it to myself.

Later on, Jack, Trevor’s teammate approaches us. “Den, Andy. Glad you’re here together. I don’t have to look for both of you differently.”

“What is it?” Denise asks.

“You may kind of want to read these.” Jack handed us folded papers with our names written on it. “Trevor asked me this morning to hand these to you two. He just left right away.” He said. Denise and I stared at each other for a moment.

I opened the paper and started reading.

“Andy, I’m very sorry for how I treated you last time. I was wrong. I understand where you’re coming from, and I hope you see where I am with this too. All I know now is that whatever I’ll choose, there will be two of us hurting in the end. If I choose you, I’ll hurt Denise, and the guilt may have eaten you up too. If I chose her, you and I would be hurt, knowing that both of us didn’t take any chances. I don’t want to hurt both you and Denise either, but I think this is the only choice I have. I am so sorry if this will end up this way, but I decided to choose myself move in with my aunt in the countryside. Hope you have a good life.” 

I was not able to read the rest of the letter. Other than the tears running down my eyes, I just couldn’t bear it. For all that this situation could turn out, I am not ready that it will be the route this is heading.

“You deserve the best of things, you two do, and I’m afraid this time is not the best for all of us. And the least I can do is choose myself for now”

I stared at Denise, who’s also bawling her eyes reading her letter. I have no idea what it says in hers, but I feel all the guilt with the way that her love has ended up this way. Her happiness with Trevor was cut short because of me.

“I’m sorry Andy, I think I have to go.” Denise said as she left. She may not say it, but she is probably upset with me, I know she has the right to do so. 

I got home, everything was still a blur, and quite saddening too. I cannot believe I am losing my best friend, let alone because of a mishap I've done. I guess people were right about how losing a best friend hurts more than a lover, except for me it is both. The fact that we could’ve had a chance if we were brave to each other also hasn't escaped my mind. All along, the guy I fell in love with was also in love with me, and we were both scared to take the chance.

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